THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

It's almost time for the special lover's day. And people usually go all out to make it special (although I doubt this would be the case this year as this is Buhari economy, you manage what you get mbok). This brings into question: What is a perfect marriage or relationship? 

The marriage where the husband dotes on his wife or the one where they go on dates every Friday night or the ones where they can't keep their hands off each other? The marriages of happily ever after? 

Now I ask is there is really happily ever after? Isn't that a fairly tale we grew up believing? 

Growing up, i knew  mum dated date from her prelim (pre-degree) till she left uni and they got married. Mum used to tell (until she had grandkids) dad that if he died before her, she would die 17 days after and his kids would be orphans. So he should respect himself and not die young (like it was his choice) and she was very serious. I'm like hello!!! What kind of person are you? Their marriage seems like a fairy tale kind of love. I never saw them have major arguments. 

My mum is rather sickly I just realized how bad it was when I grew older and entered the medical field. I just knew that growing up it's was dad that used to sort out laundry with us, we had a washing machine or wash man most of our lives, kitchen closed by 7 until I learnt to cook by 9.

 Mum is a "in your face" person (very much like me) and dad's attitude to life is "it really can't be that hard" (like the younger brother) so whenever they have arguments mum is the one shouting and my dad has a smile and ignores her which is rather infuriating. I remember one night a few years back, they had a big argument and my brother went to get her at night. Don't get it twisted this argument seemed so bad (I don't even what it was about) that I thought oh wow after 30 plus years, is this it? I was already thinking of all the uncle and aunts I would have to call to come help settle. By 8am, dad was in my house saying why would you come and carry my wife away?? Don't ever try that again. I'm like ha!! See me see wahala o (funny thing is when I brought up with dad recently, he says he doesn't remember the fight but really would I come and carry his wife from his house). 

They have their ups and downs but they make it work so to the outside, it seems like a fairytale. 

With my own marriage on the other hand, my husband wasn't my pre-degree boyfriend, all these bad boys of Lagos that are not Prince Charming anymore. Me and my captain are like tom and jerry, we can fight for Africa (not as bad as before).  A friend calls us itchy and scratchy, watch the program to understand how much we trade banter.

 When we say we have been married for 10 years, people go awwww! You guys are so cute, you have done this and done that. On the outside, it's perfect fairytale. Some people see us as role models that stick to each other like glue no matter what. Anyone pretty close to us would know that we have passed through the furnace of fire but we somehow survived it (many thanks to the kabashing of the parents I think).

 My temper is like a wild fire, burns everything in its way. I have to resolve any issue there and then, the capt on the other hand would not respond to any rant or rave. If he finally responds, you would have wished he kept shut. The capt lacks understanding of some basic certain social norms like what should be said or not aka he has no filter even when he is wrong which I have learnt to understand he means no harm and he is learning social cues. 

In sorting out the house, the capt is very laid back, I'm the one who sorts the bills, knows all the artisans etc, he drops the cash. When I go on holidays, all bills have to be paid a month in advance as he doesn't have a clue on what is being paid. When he said I'm embezzling money and I said to him, you pay the bills and just give me house keeping, he refused and upped the allowance. 

We have learnt and are still learning to understand each other, that is what makes things seem like a fairytale on the outside. What I would have caused a racket for a few years back, I ignore and let go of, so the banter is less. It may not be the "ideal perfect" but it's perfect as at now, it will get more perfect as the year goes by.

Moral of all the story, no two marriages are the same. There is no one size fits all. There is no universal guideline for a perfect marriage. I know some people say there is no perfect marriage but I say it's a lie. I believe anyone who says he/she has a perfect marriage means it's perfect for them!! Your perfect marriage is how you make it, my perfect might be a disaster for you. 

Never ever compare yourself to others especially what you see on the surface, its a recipe for disaster. So what if Tomi's husband takes her for dates every Friday night and yours doesn't? If it's peppering you, plan dinner dates, say you will pay, no way Mr oga will allow to pay. 

What if Oscar's wife is hotter than fire after 3 kids, and your madam has moved from a size 10 to 20? Help her in losing that weight, take long walks with your Mrs after work or Saturdays, form gisting and you won't know when you walk 5km, or register as a couple at the gym. 

This is vice versa, if the man has added weight, help him lose it. Most guys  work out biannually, women seem to be the fitfam nation now, help him, make sure no fried food, little oil in his meal. At least he wont add more weight. 

Make your marriage your perfect!!! Design your bae. I tell people it's not always happy day but may the good days outweigh and overshadow the bad.   To happily ever after.

XOXOXOXO

FM