THE INLAWS

THE IN-LAWS

This post was brought about by a recent argument with the mothership. She was lamenting about "the girls of nowadays" who give the mother-in-laws (mil) a very hard time. I told her not to generalise things as not all people are like that. 

I know some people who used to say they pray their mil are dead by the time they marry the spouse and I would say to them, your son's wife too might be praying that prayer so shut up. 

Maybe because I specialised in psychiatry or it's just me as a person I tend to make extra allowance for people. I don't believe anyone is the devil, we all have different upbringing so what your mum expects is totally different from what your mil expects.

My mil is a bundle of love (anyone who knows her can testify). I remember when I first got married she would lie on the bed with the capt and I, she would hold me and peck me. From my background, we rarely hug or peck, we know we love each other but hey, keep body contact to the barest minimum (it was just our thing) so it was awkward at first but I knew it was just her person, she finally had a daughter. Some people will scream murder that it is intrusive that how would she lie on our bed, most people will say awwwww. The capt is the only child and some ask how do you deal with his mom, I tell them the same way I deal with mine. There is no point seeing her as the enemy, she has taken me as her own child so when form the wife and mil battle? This is someone who travelled when I was dating the capt and bought me 3 pairs of shoes and 2 bags. Till date when she travels, she asks for my list, calls out of the blues to ask if I want this or that. So why form voltron and say oh she is the mil? We do have the our moments and clash but it's the same way I clash with my mum. We resolve it without any bad blood. 

For the capt and my mum, I have come to the conclusion he has jazzed her. I will call and lament sometimes cry that he has done this and that, and she goes eh, hmmm, omo dada ni boy yen o ( he is a good guy), he just doesn't understand some things. He will do so as he gets older. I'm like hello!!!! shouldn't you be spitting fire and calling that baba in ijebu (mum is an ijebu woman, fake one at it) not taking his side? Mum would call his mum to report I made him pancakes for breakfast saying "is that what his mum would have given him for breakfast?" I have told her that I'm sure if she had her way she would adopt him and disown me. 

Some people don't have it so good, some are hounded (in this millennium) about delay in pregnancy, not having a particular sex etc. I however believe that if such is the case and your husband has your back, then you are good, maintain a strong neutral and very importantly respectful stance (God got you don't worry). If push comes to shove, avoid family gathering and if need be, attend to the barest minimum. I have a friend who uses call duty at work as an excuse because the spouse family were being a bit difficult, they eventually got the message and backed off her. You will get by, you married your spouse not the family and luckily God has a way of doing things, someone in the family will always like you, the dad, a sister or a cousin. Focus on your own family. 

Have this at the back of your mind because they may actually like you and you may not see it as such. An intrusive mil may actually want the best for you but is showing it how she knows how to. If your mum did the same thing, would it be an issue to you? If no, then maybe you are a bit on the defensive. Then there is no way your mum and your mil will be the same, so keep calm. 

Also some mother in laws from experiences with other daughter in laws or that of their friends are already guarded when their son gets married so they will stay at an arm's length. And truthfully most of our parents are still working (or functionally at least) so don't have our time. How many people have their mils living with them? 

Try and understand the in-laws and give the benefit of doubt. If you find out they are evil and plotting your downfall (usually not the immediate family truth be told), avoid them like a plague, keep your contact with them limited and pray for His Grace to help deal with them. The parents in law are more than helpful, take them as your parents and I'm sure things will get better as the ways go by. 

Also to the mils, take her like your child. Be gentle and kind, she has left her family for yours. 

May God grant us wisdom in dealing with the in laws

XOXOXOXO

FM