THIS MARRIAGE THING

A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE ON INFIDELITY Hello, So I have been accused of not being fair in my sample collection. I have also been accused of being “pro-decent women”, being a feminist in my blog and not asking the males what goes on in their mind. I took the initiative to then go and ask a couple of regular “omo boys” about their perspective on fidelity/infidelity. O.G is a single, working class guy who is less than 30, I know him a bit and know his ways. After reading my last post, I asked him what his thoughts on it were and why the trend is changing. Me: Hey, so what’s your thoughts on this whole body count thing? O.G: I don’t know. It doesn’t really bother me. Me: So why guys unfaithful generally? O.G: Now, that’s rather unfair. You are generalizing everyone. I’m a good guy. Me: Right, I know of at least 6 of your escapades and I don’t monitor you, so tell that to your girls. O.G: The truth is women will never understand. I guess we are built differ

WHEN THE ‘ABNORMAL’ BECOMES NORMAL, KARMA GOES ON SABBATICAL So I have been meaning to write this post but I kept shelving it because “it seemed a bit judgmental”. However, a few recent social media events made me share this. A few days back, the best girls were hanging together and one of them causally mentioned how Karma seems to be on leave. She asked if we noticed that “the bad girls” that we were warned not to be like growing up seem to be the norm of the day. It seems that “being a decent girl” is a bit outdated and doesn’t earn you the golden prize after all. She said she was talking to a colleague who hinted that the body count of girls between the ages of 23-25 were as much as 50-70. I laughed at the exaggeration, she also felt the same. He, however broke it down for her. The average young girl now, borrowing a phrase from my colleague has an early consensual sexual initiation, usually at about 15-16, if not earlier (I shudder at the thought of this). These

WHY DO MEN CHEAT? I apologize for being MIA. Writer’s block and I got swamped with plenty things. Some days I believe I need a personal assistant. Sigh. This post is a result of an article I read while on Facebook, you know them random links that have other links, you somehow click on? Yeah, those ones. After rolling my eyes. I sha clicked on it. The view was rather “different”, hence the reason for the post, to discuss the matter. So the writer tries to answer the age old question on why men who cheat on loyal women. He wrote and I quote:   “ How a male treats a woman is NOT a reflection of HER worth; nor is it a reflection on anything she LACKS or is not doing. An overly macho, mentally weak, sensitive-minded male knows he does not DESERVE a strong minded woman. In his mind, he thinks one day she will mentally awaken to the realization she deserves better than him & leave him. This is why males cheat on a woman, to have POWER over her. He cheats on her to

The need for validation  A major problem with our generation, The generation X is the need for validation.  What is this validation thing?  It’s getting feedback from others that “what I do and what I say matters to you. You hear me. You see me. You think of me. You thank me. You acknowledge my accomplishments. You appreciate my efforts.”  With this generation. You see me!! You acknowledge my accomplishments, you hear me are our major killers especially since the advent of social media. We flaunt what we don't have or can't afford ourselves. You see people who can't justify their income splurging wealth on frivolous things, just so the world sees and acknowledges their person. People with shady sources of wealth being out there, so you can think of them and strive to be like them. Why? Just for validation. But ask yourself, Sleeping with that funky, pot bellied old man just for a Gucci bag so you can join the "pepper them gang", "does it really wor

In pursuit of happiness: Defining happiness!  So I'm a self-acclaimed life coach! Sue me if you don't think so!  I have a few friends I "intervene" in their lives, even if they don't need or solicit my advice.  So I have this friend who I call a spend thrift. Our conversations usually go this way.  Oga: Aunty! I just saw this TV and I need to buy it.  Me: need or want.  Oga: whatever.  Me: what happened to your old tv. You rarely watch it na. It's even a smart TV so you can't claim it's old model. Oga: The old one will go into my room.  Me: what's the price  Oga: lol! You will scream if I tell you. Oya o!! Don't shout o!  Then he goes on to tell me a ridiculous price. Then I scream and start preaching about vanity and learning the differences between needs and wants.  This dance, we do with a new wristwatch, perfume, money spent on whatever.  Recently we had a sit down and I had to ask him. I'm like what'

DEALING WITH DELAYS IN MARRIAGE So sorry for the long hiatus!! Had exams and I'm not an expert at multitasking when it comes to exams. I let it take over my life! Sigh! So back to my blogging and regular life!!! Whoop!! Life feels so easy when you don't have an exam close by!  Today I talk about delays in marriage! Delays can occur as regards having kids, getting a job or in anything but I focus on having kids. One of the major issues people have in marriages is dealing with delays as regards having children especially in our African society.  Most people have a timeline which usually goes like this: when I get married, I will wait 1-2 years, then have kids. This is for most of us who marry early. The expectation to this when you marry late (definition of this varies, my late might not be your late). The older ones (the 'rents) start batting their eyelids after 6 months and they see no symptoms of pregnancy even when you tell them you want to wait. I

This is a guest writer's post.  We have lost a lot of people recently. Just a few weeks ago, my colleague asked for permission to leave work and by the end of the day, he was dead, 2 weeks ago, a young man died coming from a wedding, a friend lost her husband this week. This made me very aware of my mortality (not like I wasn't aware of it before) but it makes it very real. It also got me thinking ..... is it all worth it?  What is life really all about? Is it all about the needs? The hate or the constant pressure to be liked and accepted in this life? Or is it about the need to be validated or seen as the baddest that liveth? When do we start focusing on ourselves, focusing on making a difference, touching lives and making people remember us for our good deeds no matter how small.  We really don't we know how much time we have left... we are all on borrowed time ...  Let's mend all the fences, life is too short to sweat the small stuff, all of it would

So I had lunch with the best girls and Mr I, a few weeks back. After a few jabs, we got talking about life in general. Mr I's opinion was that this institution of marriage is a scam. The best girl rolled her eyes at her significant other. In his words "which of the great ones in the bible had a proper marriage?" Not David nor Abraham! He went further to say, "people are sold a lie about marriage". He also believes the reason most marriages fail is because we are sold great expectations! We marry with the belief our spouses are meant to be our best friends, be there for us, give to us in the same measure as we give to them. He said he hears this some many times "I gave up this for this marriage"; " I have done so much for this person"; "Is this the thanks I get". He believes that marriage shouldn't be restrictive and you should be able to achieve your goals even when married.  This got me thinking, serious soul searching

SINGLE MOTHERS I admire single mothers. No matter hard much we say it's not, it's truly a man's world especially in Africa. Adulting is hard. Parenting is expensive and time consuming. Now doing it alone, is an Herculean task.  I have mentioned several times about my dream of having mixed race babies (thanks to the Capt, that dream didn't come true, I should get pikin 1 and 2 to start wearing contacts).  I believe this dream may have come from the fact I'm Yoruba. As a Yoruba girl when you get to a certain age and you are unmarried, you will hear "ti o ba marry, sha bi omo" meaning if you don't get marry, at least have a child. The Yoruba tribe believes that having a kid is very important. If you don't have the luck of getting married, oh by all means, do have a child "so you will have a companion in your old age". I have friends who are non-Yorubas who believe our parents are indulgent of promiscuity as it's a norm to see a s

Hello guys, it's been a minute. I apologize. The life I chose as a doctor involves many exams. So I have been reading a lot of late. My life is: work, workout (if I can), then I hit the books. Wish me luck in my exams and say a prayer for me.  So I come out of my hiatus to address the issue of the wailing wailers (as I like to address them). I have gotten a couple of rather "public messages" talking about the significant other cheating. I was going to ignore but I realized I'm not the only who is probably going through this and said to share some "tips" to deal with it. This isn't only for women or married couples, I believe it cuts across all board.  As annoying and upsetting as it seems, you need to ask yourself a few questions.  1. Is it true? So whatever allegation is made, is it really true. I'm obviously not "Pastor Mrs" Suleman who says you will know when your significant other is cheating. But you need to ask yourself

HOW TO DEAL WITH A CHEATING SPOUSE! So I got added to this group of just females which is meant to be an empowerment group. People are free to post whatever is bothering them. We have some people post about their marriage affairs, cheating spouses etc. They ask for advices and people give all sorts of advice. Sometimes I read and laugh, praying whoever did write the post doesn't take heed to their advice. For me, this is my own two cents about dealing with a cheating spouse. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY.  Hey, no one knows your spouse as much as you do, no one knows where you tied your matter together. So don't feel like people will think you are letting him/her too easy bf forgiving immediately. It's your own spouse not the world's spouse.  YOU ARE ALLOWED TO RUN MENTAL.  That being said, you can go nuts for a short period of time. Just the day or the next after you find out, you can scream or shout the house down (so far the kids are not home).

THE IN-LAWS This post was brought about by a recent argument with the mothership. She was lamenting about "the girls of nowadays" who give the mother-in-laws (mil) a very hard time. I told her not to generalise things as not all people are like that.  I know some people who used to say they pray their mil are dead by the time they marry the spouse and I would say to them, your son's wife too might be praying that prayer so shut up.  Maybe because I specialised in psychiatry or it's just me as a person I tend to make extra allowance for people. I don't believe anyone is the devil, we all have different upbringing so what your mum expects is totally different from what your mil expects. My mil is a bundle of love (anyone who knows her can testify). I remember when I first got married she would lie on the bed with the capt and I, she would hold me and peck me. From my background, we rarely hug or peck, we know we love each other but hey, keep body conta

THE PERFECT MARRIAGE It's almost time for the special lover's day. And people usually go all out to make it special (although I doubt this would be the case this year as this is Buhari economy, you manage what you get mbok). This brings into question: What is a perfect marriage or relationship?  The marriage where the husband dotes on his wife or the one where they go on dates every Friday night or the ones where they can't keep their hands off each other? The marriages of happily ever after?  Now I ask is there is really happily ever after? Isn't that a fairly tale we grew up believing?  Growing up, i knew  mum dated date from her prelim (pre-degree) till she left uni and they got married. Mum used to tell (until she had grandkids) dad that if he died before her, she would die 17 days after and his kids would be orphans. So he should respect himself and not die young (like it was his choice) and she was very serious. I'm like hello!!!