So I had lunch with the best girls and Mr I, a few weeks back. After a few jabs, we got talking about life in general. Mr I's opinion was that this institution of marriage is a scam. The best girl rolled her eyes at her significant other. In his words "which of the great ones in the bible had a proper marriage?" Not David nor Abraham! He went further to say, "people are sold a lie about marriage". He also believes the reason most marriages fail is because we are sold great expectations! We marry with the belief our spouses are meant to be our best friends, be there for us, give to us in the same measure as we give to them. He said he hears this some many times "I gave up this for this marriage"; " I have done so much for this person"; "Is this the thanks I get". He believes that marriage shouldn't be restrictive and you should be able to achieve your goals even when married.
This got me thinking, serious soul searching and I realized that our culture has taught us to sacrifice our happiness for marriage especially as women. I understood why he believes marriage is a scam and bought into his ideology. Maybe as a guy, he put it the best way he can but his point is very valid. The lessons I took from that conversation are:
1. Your marriage should never restrict you. You may have to compromise as regards job location or even some particular roles but you should never give up on your dreams. When you do, you eventually become resentful and full of anger as you somehow expect a "thank you", regular "accolades" and the truth is you would never get it. You end up shooting yourself in the foot. It's a thankless sacrifice. If it's a life long dream, don't give up on it. It may be on the back burner but never put out the flame.
2. You truly are in charge of your happiness. Not your spouse, not your kids. We go into marriage thinking my spouse is going to complete me and make me crazy happy. This is not the case, your partner will hurt you at some point. Sometimes when the pain is a constant, we focus on the kids to give us that happiness. Then they go to school, and have their own lives and this makes us wonder where we fit in the grand scheme of things. The mid-life crisis. As I said to someone recently, we need to learn to do "you". Occasionally, it has to be about you. Buy that bag, buy that car, take that alone holiday, spend at least a tenth of your salary on yourself (not on the house or the kids). Know you are not making money just for the family. Enjoy your money and your life. Learn to live a little. Life is short.
3. You cannot control people's actions. As much as we expect some level of respect, maturity, accountability and fidelity from the spouse, you can't control him/her. Learn that you can only control your own actions and responses to people.
4. Create a life outside your home. This applies most to women, life suddenly becomes about the spouse, the kids. You rarely have time to hang out with your friends, your life is home-work-kids-sleep then repeat. This does take a toll and you become a nag whenever the other goes out. Even if it's the gym or take a long walk. Take an hr to yourself everyday. Go watch a movie.
The truth is that as humans we tend to put our happiness in things or people. We have been sold the dream that happiness is as a result of one's achievement I will be happy once i'm done with school then you realize you are not truly happy then you decide you will be happy when you get your dream job or when once you are in that relationship or marriage or that dream house or car or when the kids are here. You need to learn to be happy for yourself, your happiness is in your hands.
In all, being in a relationship or marriage shouldn't make you a slave to it. Don't be sold to the thought marriage restricts you. Be yourself and do you.
XOXOXO