DEALING WITH DELAYS

DEALING WITH DELAYS IN MARRIAGE

So sorry for the long hiatus!! Had exams and I'm not an expert at multitasking when it comes to exams. I let it take over my life! Sigh!

So back to my blogging and regular life!!! Whoop!! Life feels so easy when you don't have an exam close by! 

Today I talk about delays in marriage! Delays can occur as regards having kids, getting a job or in anything but I focus on having kids.

One of the major issues people have in marriages is dealing with delays as regards having children especially in our African society. 

Most people have a timeline which usually goes like this: when I get married, I will wait 1-2 years, then have kids. This is for most of us who marry early. The expectation to this when you marry late (definition of this varies, my late might not be your late). The older ones (the 'rents) start batting their eyelids after 6 months and they see no symptoms of pregnancy even when you tell them you want to wait. I'm sure you must have heard your mother reject it for you when you say I want to enjoy my marriage and stabilise financially for a year or 2 before I have kids. 

Anyways , as much as we don't want this to be so, the rate of infertility is 10-15% in the developed world and sometimes as high as 20-45% in our side of the world. So as much as 1 in 3 or 4 persons you know might experience infertility. I don't have a first experience in this topic (13 months spacing between my kids tells it all) but I do have people close to me who have faced it and I can only speak from an outside perspective. 

The first thing I should do (also because I'm a medic) is to educate on "infertility". You need to know what the definition is before you start to freak out that you are not getting pregnant. 

It's defined as the inability to conceive despite have regular intercourse (2-3 times/ wk) for a year. The reason for defining it is because a lot of people come to the hospital after 6 months saying they are not yet pregnant. By the time you ask them, you find out that intercourse happens probably once or twice a month, the spouse isn't based around them so in the end you can't define it as infertility. Anyways I do digress, I'm sounding too technical and medical. 

So if there is a delay in conception or even having a child (because some people have recurrent miscarriages), how do you deal with it. 

DON'T STRESS!! 

How much as this sounds silly, try not to stress! Effects of stress actually may prevent conception. 

BE UNITED 

Someone told me a story, and since then it's something I advise couples to do. There was a delay for a significant number of years. Maybe 10 years or so. Anyways, whenever a family member asks what the problem was, each partner will tell their own side of the family, they were the problem. So the man will tell his people that he had low sperm count, when they went for a check up and the woman will tell her own side of the family she couldn't conceive. We all know how the extended family in Africa can be, so this just shut everyone up. Because each side thought their own child had the issue, they were extremely receptive and warm to the spouse and kept praying for them.

When they did have their child, they never mentioned who truly had the problem just that this is what they did. At that point, the extended family couldn't even be bothered. They were  thankful for the child. 

The moral of this story is stand together, don't start the blame game especially to the extended family. If possible, take an cue from this couple and do the same.

PLEASE FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG 

As much as I'm a Christian, I do not believe in waiting on the Lord without taking necessary actions. Faith without works is dead. As much as you have faith, do run tests. See what can be done medically to help. It might just be pills that will help you. I tell people, medicine might be your miracle. Some people do try the medical route and it doesn't work, so maybe you are one of the few who medicine works for. 

TRY HARD NOT TO BE BITTER. 

When the fault isn't yours, try not to be bitter or angry. Yes, your spouse might have been "wayward", might have had STIs, several abortion to whatever but you knew this before you married this person. It's for better, for worse, and sometimes it's worse. So try not to be bitter.

LOOK FOR ALTERNATIVES 

I'm a firm believer of if you can't have kids adopt. Heard this saying once in a movie and it stuck, there are too many children without parents for me to have my own. Someone suggested to a single woman to have kids of her own and that was her response. She said she would rather adopt. 

So if you do try for years and can't have yours, look for an alternative. 

Consider having a surrogate, IVF, adoption. All these options are open and available in Nigeria. 

N.B: to all family and friends of couples waiting on the Lord, mbok learn to mind your business. The best you can do for them is say a prayer for them. If they are willing to talk, listen. If not, then let them be. Don't ask a couple when are you going to have a baby. It's outright rude and insensitive. Face your own life. 

XOXOXO