TO STAY OR LEAVE

TO STAY OR LEAVE! 

Being a veteran in marriage for my age as I have been married the longest amongst my friends. This is strangely amazing as I always assumed I'll get married around 32 or be a single mum to mixed race twins via ivf. 

Anyway I digress, a regular conversation I have with people is how tired they are of their marriage and how they want to walk away from it all. 

Usually my first question is does he/she (yes! A she can be the abuser, check my last post) abuse you? Physically, emotionally, sexually or even financially. If the answer is yes to any of these, then my response is run as fast as your legs can carry you. 

But most times the answer is no. The usual answers are there is no more love between us, he/she cheated, I'm just fed up. 

So I'll address this individually in different posts.

There is no more love between us. He/she isn't the person I married. The fact is marriage is different from just dating where you can come and go as you please. With marriage, you sleep, breathe and eat the same person. You are bound to fall out of love at some point. 

The person gets older, becomes a boss and grows a belly, or has kids and is now fat. That beautiful person or handsome stud you married is no more. Life may just happen and he/she isn't the jolly good fellow he/she used to be. We all know life is hard. Adulting is very difficult and it may sucker punch you.

Marriage becomes a routine after a while especially when kids and other problems come into play. This problem may be financial, job loss, an illness, infertility, death of a loved one or even worse a child. 

A dear friend told her spouse once "I don't love today, in short I haven't loved you in a week", so stay clear of me. I thought she was crazy but I realized she was right. There are weeks/months I might not be in love with the spouse but I obviously love him. Really, sometimes "we are not in love" with the spouse but still love them. Not sure if you get the drift. Being in love means you want to talk to them most of the day, call like 4 times just to chat (not ask questions), just feel like cuddling up (i.e. you don't have the urge to light (divine slap) him/her just for breathing). Although you still love this person, you are not wishing them evil, you have not slapped them for walking the face of the earth, you would rush them to the hospital if anything happened, won't stab them in the middle of the night kind of love. Yeah that's it. You get the difference now!! 

Sometimes, it may be that you are rather unhappy in your marriage for various reasons but you have a beautiful and happy family. The kids are good. Things are okay on the surface but you are rather unhappy. The love may be gone. There isn't really any hostility, no quarrels, just a very boring, repetitive life that makes you unhappy.

If there is no spark, sometimes you need to find that spark again. Find time for date nights, or just chill together. Feeling overwhelmed? Leave the kids with a grandma, check into a hotel or stay home while they are away. Sleep, eat, watch tv and repeat. If the spouse is home, it's a no cooking weekend. Sometimes you need to disconnect from marriage, the kids, work (life in fact) and be a bum for a few days to find that balance again. This isn't only relating to marriage but life in general..

 One thing the motherboard says to me is you can always work things in your marriage if there is no resentment. Once resentment sets in from either party, forget it. There is no need trying to resolve things. Take a walk cos no matter what the person does, it makes it all worse. Efforts at trying to make it work would only worsen things.

So I say if you have fallen out of love, yes it maybe possible to stay and make it work. Or sometimes all love is lost and you have to leave. But in all of this, the decision to stay or leave really depends on you and your happiness. Not what society, religion or your family thinks. It really depends on you.

FM